I went to N** today. She and I sat on her bed and talked and listened to music in the same room I spent such a large amount of time during my so-called ‘formative years’.
I sat on the edge of the bed having conversations that only N and I could have. I sat on the edge of the bed and listened to all the songs N wanted me to hear. Listening to Adele’s new album. To someone called Laurah Marling and an amazing man called Ed Sheeran. Same N, same B, different music. I was sitting on the edge of the bed, with books and comics scattered around us. We have long since devoured and memorized Neil Gaimans‘ The Sandman chronicles and moved on to new things.
I sat on the edge of the bed because I only had an hour to be there. Because my life is such that I am constantly looking at my watch. Because I do not own my time, I do not own my day, I do not have the luxury of not having to look at my watch.
It’s funny, I miss, so much, my life with me. I miss the feeling of knowing that what ever mistakes I make, I make on my own. What ever idiotic decision I decide effect no one but me. I miss that. Not always, but today I did.
That feeling visits me from time to time. It is quickly drowned by the fact that I have the luxury of 3 beautiful children who fill my heart with so much love and pride I find it hard to catch my breath. 3 children who depend on me and that makes my life important in a way that is bigger than me. They are the best thing I have ever done.
I had a feeling and it was momentary. Like a temporary insanity. And then a realization of the ridiculousness of the thought of choosing my life before my life truly began. I still have N, I still have Tori and Ani and Sarah and N’s room. What I need is time management.
*Line from the Tori Amos song ‘Silent All These Years’
** All the words I tried to use to describe who N is to me fell short so I will just say she has been a part of my life for all of my life and it wouldn’t be right without her.