Life changes when you remember you’re constantly choosing it. Doesn’t it?

I recently met up with a good friend who’s an avid traveler. One of the first things I asked her was, “How’s the traveling?” the way you’d ask someone about their job or kids. She paused, looked a little tired, and said “exhausting”.

She’d been bouncing from one adventure to the next, feeling like she had to keep going because she loved to travel. But the truth was, she was exhausted. And so, upon remembering that she had a choice, she and her husband decided not to travel this summer. She laughed and said “I guess I forgot I had free will!”.

That phrase has stuck with me. It’s come up in two places: when I’m about to plan something, and when I’ve already planned something and regretted it.

There is so much in life I used to pretend was just happening to me. As if I had no control over it at all. I’d prepare my complaints throughout the day, ready to serve them like little victim tarts to my husband, mother, or sisters*.

But when I reframed everything and had it coming from a place of choice, everything felt more in my control. Because in reality, yes, there are things I have to do. But even those things I do them because, on some level, I’ve chosen to. We all have that family member who refuses to do anything they don’t want to. Have they been shunned? No. They’re just living differently.

Ok, to be honest I feel like I am talking nonsense right now so let’s all pray that I pull it together and make it make sense because it’s profound to me I promise you. Yet so very obvious to many.

I guess what I am trying to say is I realized…

Every single thing I do is a choice. And every choice is mine.

And just when I started thinking I might be going mad, talking to myself about free will and wondering if I was making any sense, I heard a podcast mention the term: learned helplessness.

Learned helplessness is when you start to believe you have no control over your circumstances, even when you do. Over time, you stop trying to change things or make intentional choices because you’ve learned that effort doesn’t seem to make a difference. It’s a trap, and it’s surprisingly easy to fall into.

For me, the thing that makes me feel I have to choice is obligation. That creeping sense of “I have to.” But when I slow down and ask myself why, I usually find that 8 times out of 10, it’s something I genuinely believe is important. And the other 2 times? I remind myself that I have free will.

I’m still a novice at this. Just the other day, I made a ridiculous decision: I added a five-hour detour between lunch and dinner, after I’d already excused myself from this particular detour. And when that detour made me late, I nearly (very nearly) got annoyed at someone else for it. But they looked at me and said, “Wait, why did you come anyway? I thought you weren’t going to.”

And that’s when I remembered: FREE WILL.

This was my doing. I chose it.

I wanted to be angry at someone—anyone—but I couldn’t. So I almost turned the anger inward.

But I didn’t. Because I’m trying this new thing: being kind to Bessma so I got over it and went to dinner late and had a blast.

So here’s my advice: forget learned helplessness. Start practicing learned agency.

Even when your day is tough, remember: you chose it. And if you can’t rationalize why you chose it? That’s your sign to look a little closer.

* I am, as are you, allowed to serve up the victim tarts when and how I choose to my close family and friends because I am human and need to have someone say “oh you poor super woman you” every once in a while.