I have been asked the same question 4 times in as many days. “Do you want to have more children”. I have asked that question many times to many people in my life, I have found it to be a perfectly normal straight forward question. Till I had my own kids.

It is such a strange question to ask! It probably wasn’t one when people didn’t have much intervention in the matter because it was up to God and your answer was just a musing. But when I am in control, to a very big extent, of whether I do or do not have any more children it seems like a very selfish thing to be talking about.

Children are not totally dependent on you their entire life. I am choosing to have a little life that will grow up and have its own life with its own problems in this world that is insane and getting worse and worse everyday… because I want a baby… it just seems like a selfish thing to discuss.

I know my life has been set for me, written, before I was even born. But if we didn’t have any free will there wouldn’t be a point. And I know fate is shifty depending on what you do. Giving charity can change your fate from bad to good. Praying can change your fate. I also know for sure if I was not meant to have these children, if Allah did not give them to me they would not be here. But that does not mean I did not have a role in deciding to have them, or does it?

And since I believe that it is all predestined then isn’t it wrong to sit there and decide how many kids I want to have? I do not know why but for the last few years I have had a difficult time wrapping my mind around it.

Don’t get me wrong, I would not want to be like the mother from 19 Kids and counting who does not believe in contraception and so (As I am sure you guessed from the title) has 19 kids. But I feel like when I sit eating cake and drinking tea and say “Yeah I think I want to have one more, maybe a sister for J” I cannot get over how selfish it sounds!

The world keeps going from bad to worse. I know, if people depended on the state of the world to decide if they were going to have children or not we would all be extinct.

It is سنة الحياة (human nature for lack of a better translation) to want to have children, and being a 3rd for my mother out of 6 I am very grateful she decided to have more. And without this selfish feeling we would not be.

I just pray to God that the world is a safer place to live when they are older. I live in a country, no a region, of infinite beauty and blessings that the rest of the world have forgotten. In a place where millions of people face to pray in unity 5 times a day. I pray that Allah give them peace in their hearts and clarity in their minds.

“but I guess that this is the price
that we pay for the privilege
of living for even a day
in a world with so many things
worth believing in”
Ani Difranco / School night